Uhhh, yeah, probably not..

Me thinks I spoke too soon…

When you last heard from the intrepid divorcee, I had just started dating someone who “makes me forget all the absolute crap I’ve been through in the last year, the emotional anorexia of the last 2 years of my marriage and makes me stupidly, annoyingly, deliriously happy”.. Interesting that I chose “emotional anorexia” as a term because I have determined after 6 months of knocking myself out to try to make this relationship work that I am dating an emotional quadriplegic. Anorexia implies emotional starvation, possibly curable with therapy. Quadriplegic implies a total, incurable paralysis. There’s a big distinction there.

Make no mistake, P was a great guy and I did (and maybe still do) love him very much. The problem comes from a common defect with men: total lack of willingness to exert any effort into the maintenance of a relationship. Guys, if you just want a booty-buddy, say so, but don’t expect to have the perks of a real relationship when you are not willing to invest yourself.

Men complain about women being materialistic and wanting jewelry, clothes, blah, blah, blah. Granted I have the typical woman fantasy of the guy who covers you diamonds or whisks you off for a tropical island for no particular reason other than he loves you but, realistically, I’ll settle for a Hallmark card and some flowers every now and then. Rub my feet after a long day, brush my hair, compliment me when I look like absolute hell, just make some effort to communicate that I matter to you. There are many women, like myself, who are very low maintenance when it comes to relationships, but make no mistake, low still implies some maintenance is required.

I tried to teach by example, back rubs when he’d had a bad day, picking him up a DVD just because I knew he would like it, sneaking over during lunch to leave him a 6 pack from The Beer Fairy when I knew he would be having yet another bad day and I wouldn’t be around to make him feel better, and the list goes on.. And don’t get me started on how many episodes of oral gratification I provided (nice euphemism, huh?). Despite my many attempts to teach him what I wanted in a relationship through my actions, I can only conclude that he is learning disabled.. What did I get during the 6 month relationship? My own pillow a week into dating, a 12 pack of Diet Mt. Dew for Easter and a 25 minute massage at a day spa for my birthday. Before anyone can accuse me of being materialistic, it’s absolutely not the money.. Some of the most romantic gestures don’t cost a dime but I didn’t get those either..

Hell, in the last 3 weeks alone I had two of the worst days I’d had in ages and when I got back to his apartment there was no back rub, no “let me run you a bath” or “why don’t I get you a bottle of wine and rub your feet”.. He sat there, rarely speaking and watched TV both nights.. When I actually indicated I might need some comfort he had the gall to act annoyed.

This is a man who told me, ad nauseum, about the great lengths he went to with his first true love and his ex wife to make them happy.. Jewelry from Tiffany’s, trips around the world, flowers, etc.. Again, members of the jury: a pillow, some soda and a 25 minute massage. Now, lest you think I have over inflated my sense of importance, on several occasions he told me I was one of the great loves of his life and that no one had ever treated him as wonderfully as I did.. OK, so the women who treated him like hell get world travels and jewels and the girl who treats him like a king gets canned drinks? Survey says??

You know, I admit, like most women I have certain self esteem issues but in every bad relationship where I tell myself “Maybe this is all I deserve, maybe there just aren’t any men that know how to really treat a woman out there..” there comes a point when, all of a sudden, the lights come on and The Real Me wakes up, takes a long, hard, honest look at the situation and says: “You’re fucking kidding me?? I am so out of here..”.

And I think we may have just arrived at that moment…

A new beginning?

In the last couple months, I have finalized my legal separation and stealthily tiptoed into the dating arena. As I was wrapping up the loose ends of my second failed marriage, I was gleefully looking forward to singlehood. Spending time with my friends, lazy weekends doing what I wanted, no questions asked, taking road trips to wherever Oz (my beloved VW bug) took me, crashing on couches after late nights out dancing and frankly, dating with joyous abandon. I wanted to walk the fine line between free-spirited and total gutter slut. OK, that’s a bit of an overstatement but I had an established a predefined timeframe of 6 months with which I had given myself permission to get out there and enjoy life, liberty and the pursuit of many, many cute boys.

For example, I was much looking forward to having a “Transitional Boy”, a phrase we coined for this one guy D dated (that’s a term to be used loosely in this situation) for a few weeks. They must be exceptionally cute, very young and, frankly, not too bright. You have adequate to great sex twice a week for about a month and then move on to someone you can actually take seriously, in terms of dating. You know, someone you can use words with more then 2 syllables during a conversation. You get loads of frequent (if very quick and sometimes kinky) sexual encounters and don’t have to worry about “where this is going”. It’s going to the bedroom. Or the kitchen counter, maybe to a parking lot or restroom stall but that’s about it.

You know, just when you think that you’ve got it all figured out, life throws you a curveball. Quite literally, within weeks of being free to dive into the dating pool, before I’d even gotten into bikini-shape, I somehow stumbled into what appears to be an actual relationship with a really, really amazing man. The punch-line to the diatribe is that he’s one of the managers at my favorite pub. Match made in heaven, huh? I’ve known who he was for quite sometime, but unlike the rest of the bar-boys, I never saw him out on the town and off duty and he was always quiet and polite. So, while I always thought he was absolutely adorable, I assumed that he must have a girlfriend and unfortunately, there was no one at the pub that I felt I could ask about his dating status without starting the gossip hounds up. One night I got the nerve up (oh, alright, I had several beers and he looked good) and I asked him directly. Result?? Single, gorgeous and charming.

How the hell did this happen? I spend the last year and a half working up a nice righteous bitter rage to spew forth on the hapless male population and into my life walks someone amazing. Someone that makes me forget all the absolute crap I’ve been through in the last year, the emotional anorexia of the last 2 years of my marriage and makes me stupidly, annoyingly, deliriously happy. Dammit.

What I've learned about men..

I am newly single, in my early 30’s and going through my second divorce (yes, second, don’t ask). As I stick my toe into the dating pool to test the waters for the first time in over 7 years, I find myself a little wary of the prospects. This comes from always having tons of morally questionable men friends, being an innocent bystander for several years of dating disasters my girlfriends have had and my marital history (which obviously was not a rousing success). What follows is a summation of the advice, tidbits and sometimes not-so-common sense about men, I have gathered over the 30+ odd years I’ve been alive. I confess I actually also quizzed my friends (male and female) with some mixed results, but most of this is observation and personal trial and error. This is the premise with which I set out to traverse the not always smooth dating terrain.

I am so screwed.

Men like blowjobs. Lots of blowjobs.

If he doesn’t call after 24 hours, he’s an asshole or just not interested. They know it. We know it. Any man that believes that “wait for 3 days” Swinger’s bullshit is a moron. When he calls a week later and says he was in a car wreck, broke his arm and couldn’t dial, ask to see the cast. If he doesn’t have one, feel free to provide the need for it.

When he says something like “No one has ever gotten me off that way, usually I have to have actual sex” it’s a bullshit ploy to flatter you into more blow jobs.

When it comes to sexual prowess, men under 30 typically provide quantity. Over 30, quality. Younger guys usually can get there more often, older guys actually care that you get there as well. Know what you prefer. Under 24 is only good for 3am booty calls, particularly if you don’t want to wake up with them in the morning. Keep cab numbers handy incase they think you’re making breakfast in bed for them.

Most men like beer and they like women who like beer. Specifically, most men like a woman who likes beer and doesn’t make an ass of herself in public when she drinks. Real men are not impressed by any kind of martini. A girl who drinks the flavor of the month martini has “high maintenance” written all over her.

Ultimately, men tend to like relationships because it means they can quit shelling out money for restaurants, they no longer have to wear outfits that match and there is some form of regular sex involved.

Blowjobs are the secret to a lasting relationship. There is a specific, direct correlation between the amount of blowjobs performed and the amount of romantic gestures performed. Simple math: More blowjobs = More flowers/jewelry/dinners out. If you are providing frequent, quality blowjobs at the beginning of the relationship and there are no romantic gestures, there never will be. That’s just who he is.

It’s more important to date someone because of who he is not what he does. Lawyers can be heartless pricks. A doctor will probably have no time for you. The CEO of a company will probably screw around on you and bleed your bank account dry. Be aware that in the end, money does not buy you happiness and love, even if it buys you a 3 carat diamond ring.

Yes, some men are threatened by women who make more than they do. If the guy consistently allows you to pay because you make more than he does, he’s going to resent you eventually. Or else you’re the sugar-momma he’s been waiting for. Men under 24 don’t care what you make, as long as there is sex involved. Most consider it a bonus if you pay for everything and they get laid.

If he hasn’t had a girlfriend in a very long time check for the little warning signs he’s a serial killer, closet homosexual or a “workaholic, alcoholic, commitment-phobic fuckwit”. This is not always the case, just be on the look out for things like dead bodies, eccentric weaponry, gay porn, internet addictions and/or a serious drinking problem.

When he says “It’s not you” he means it. It’s not you he wants to date, it’s someone else. Deal with it and don’t make a scene.

Men hate buying flowers and jewelry. Period. That doesn't let them off the hook, just be aware they hate it.

He does not care that your $130 designer footwear matches your outfit perfectly. Actually, he doesn’t care about your shoes at all. Do not be insulted that he doesn’t react with great excitement at your fabulous taste in footwear. In fact, if he does react with great excitement, be afraid. He’s probably gay.

Men love stockings. Wear them at least once a week. It’s not playing fair to wear them the first 6 months you date and then to stop. That’s called the “bait and switch”. Same goes for any kind for lingerie. If you start out with Victoria’s Secret as a third party in your relationship, you should to continue to have her make regular appearances through out the duration.

Men are not mind readers. Don’t get mad if he does something that you don’t like especially if you haven’t told him. This goes for opening doors, making plans for the date, sexual preferences, etc. Most men’s behavior is redundant programming from their last relationship. Yes, just because ‘Becky’ liked it doesn’t mean you do, but how the hell is he supposed to know that if you don’t tell him?

Men don’t like a lot of “relationship talk”. What most men want out of a relationship is to enjoy it, not to talk about it. That and lots of blowjobs. When you feel a need to give him tips on your likes and dislikes, make it clear, simple and straight to the point. Overanalyzing things will only bore him. If you tell him point blank what you want and stil don't get it, he's probably not the guy for you. Move on.

Finally, keep in mind, men are people, too. While we sometimes forget it, they do have the same kind of feelings, insecurities and emotional needs that we do. In many ways they have it much harder than us. If we’re uncertain about something, we have girlfriends that we talk to ad nauseum about the details of our relationships and feelings. It is not unheard of for a consortium of women to convene over cocktails to spend 3 hours discussing the nature of a single phone call or email. Men just don’t do that with each other, ever. It doesn’t stop them from having the same needs women do; love, companionship, laughter, passion, comfort, trust and respect. And, of course, lots of blowjobs.

The Baskin Robbins of Friendships

In my various diatribes and ramblings about the people that have an impact on my life, I refer frequently to "friends".. There needs to be some distinction about the various flavors friendship can have and how each and everyone is a delight to the palate of the soul. You don't want to have the same foods over and over, right? And if you never ordered anything but vanilla ice cream from Baskin Robbins, you would be missing out on a plethora of delightful taste bud experiences. As with the fuel for our body, the fuel for our soul requires variety to keep it satisfied.

The Blood Friend: This is a sister, brother, cousin or someone in your actual family that you are close to. This is a person that shares your unique family history in a way that hours of sharing stories about your childhood can't match. This friend knows about your dysfunctional relationship with your mother, that your grandmother is a complete nut and why self medicating with alcohol is a valid response to the holidays. You may have nothing else in common, other than the blood that runs through your veins, but you know that they will always be there for you because they are family.

The Childhood Friend: These are the people you keep up with from high school or earlier. These are the friends that knew you and loved you through the days of 80's hair and firsts; first kisses, first proms, first loves. They are the ones who remind you of who you are deep down and don't let you get too full of your own life's successes. They may no longer be in your life day to day, but you know that they'll be there to celebrate your major accomplishments and support you through your major failures.

The Soul Mate Friend: This is the person you call first and foremost whenever anything goes right or wrong in your life. You may have known them all your life or only for a couple months but this is the kind of friendship that was deep and abiding 20 minutes after you met. This person is the one you know you can call at 3:00am when your world falls apart. They are also the person you can call at 3:00am just to chat. You share similar hobbies and tastes and can kill a case of beer or a gallon of wine just dishing the dirt together and never even notice the time passing. This friend is one of those traveling buddies you know you can go on trips with and they won't make you nuts. You don't have to talk every day but you do begin to experience withdrawal symptoms after a week.

The Party Friend: This is the buddy you call to go ransack the town with on the weekends. Typically you have similar personal situations (single, married, etc..) and you like the same kind of places to let loose. This is the kind of friend you can go out with but you don't have to stay glued to each other's side every minute of the night. This friend knows how to make herself scarce when that cute guy comes over to talk but will also be there to rescue you from the creepy guy who won't leave you alone. You split tabs and share cabs and always have a good time doing it. You may or may not be bosom buddies outside of the scene but you know you can always count on her for a good night out on the town after a bad day at the office.

The Requisite Guy Friend: Everyone needs the one guy you love to hang out with but have no desire to sleep with. And despite what Harry says, men and women can be friends without having sex mess it up. This may be a guy you dated briefly where the chemistry wasn't there but the love was.. This is the guy who will be your stand in date for office parties, weddings and other functions where showing up alone isn't an option. He knows you well enough to know better than to want to date you. He's the guy you would love to fix up with one of your cute single girlfriends, but you don't because you don't want to have to share him. Sure, you've both made half hearted jokes about getting married if you're both still single at 40, but deep down, the reality is you will always love each other, but never be in love with each other.

The Fabulous Gay Friend: Not to stereotype, but as Carrie Bradshaw said, the fabulous gay man is the accessory every single woman over 30 must have. These are the men who can help you pick out just the right outfit and shoes for any occasion. Will provide a fantastic night of dancing with out having to worry that he's "reading more into it" and who can flirt shamelessly at the bartender with you but without the bullshit competitiveness. He'll tell you that, yes, those pants do make your ass look too big and that the guy you are crushing on is bi-sexual. He may not be flaming but he's definitely got the sparks workin.

Acquaintances: These are the sprinkles, the fudge syrup or the cherry on top of your life. For every one of those regular and devoted friendships, we have a dozen of people that we know only casually. They are the lunch dates, the "drop by their party" people, the folks you see out and about on a weekend but only at your regular hangouts. They are the outer circle of your life but no less valid to your support system. Everyone needs a handful of people you can call up for an occasional night out, lunch or shopping trip but without the hassles of a real relationship.. These folks are the "casual sex" of friendships. You call up when you get the urge but it's not a regular thing.

Yes, we have our best friend and our inner circle of rampagers but to fully integrate your support system and all that people have to offer, you need to expand your circle and make sure that our basic needs are being met. Sure you can have PB&J with the crusts cut off every day and not starve to death, but adding a steak dinner as well as a trip to Taco Bell to the roster will make for a much fuller and happier existence.

The Chuch of the Sisterhood

This article is dedicated to C, D, M, A, M2 and AJ... The Congregants of the Church of the Sisterhood.. My personal pet peeve is for friends to essentially disappear the minute they get involved in a relationship that lasts longer than 48 hours and 2 condom purchases. My own personal experiences with men (2 failed marriages and many doomed dating relationships) has taught me that you should never take your girlfriends for granted.. Every time my world has fallen apart, it has been my girlfriends who have dragged me back from the abyss.

Yes, I have a wonderful family but, as I stated in an earlier article, I am the black sheep and my motives are not completely comprehended by the people who share the blood in my veins.. My mother actually said I needed to forget the whole "being happy" thing and just do the right thing.. Nice.. Ergo, I don't turn to them too much with the emotional details of my life.. It's as if I am a different species than the rest of my family.. And I still am afraid they will turn on me like an episode of Wild Kingdom and devour their offspring.. I believe in the power of friends.. They are the ones who will carry you through the rough spots in your life.. My best friend C is probably one of the reasons I am still alive and sane and not in a padded room somewhere.. We are solely responsible for the increased stock price of Cingular Wireless.. She is the original 3AM Phone and Curb Buddy.. There is no power on the planet to revive your tattered spirits than a night out with the girls.. Martinis, non-stop talking and flirting with the bartenders.. Facials, glasses of wine and Bridgette Jones on DVD.. This is communion in the Church of the Sisterhood.. As a Deacon in the Church, it is particularly daunting to me when you have a beloved sister, a regular member of the congregation who suddenly meets Mr. Right (Now) and becomes all wrapped up in the glory and the newness of the relationship.. They'll apologize when they talk to you and gush about how in love they are.. Which, make no mistake, we are happy for you!! Happily Ever After is the goal we should all have and support for each other.. The true girlfriend will celebrate your relationship with you, 100%.. Just make sure you stick around to reciprocate and celebrate their singleness.. I actually held a "wake" for a former girlfriend in college who went from bar hopping wild child to a woman who couldn't go to the store for a carton of milk without calling her man to check in.

Ladies, this is not only in poor etiquette, but it shows bad common sense as well.. Let's say for the sake of argument that you do live happily ever after.. Do you think that man is never going to piss you off? Please.. The reality is that most of the excommunicants I know disappear for about 6-7 months and then suddenly want to dog-ear a night out with the girls.. Suddenly the bliss has been worn down to reality.. It's not that they aren't happy, they just realize (finally) that they cannot spend every waking moment up their significant others ass. Or sometimes, they aren't that happy.. They suddenly want someone to talk to.. Or the man who brought them such joy turns out to be a no-good, lying, sack of shit, just like the last 937 men they dated and they suddenly have a lot of Friday nights free.. Whatever.. Suddenly the girl who couldn't make it to dinner out for your birthday party wants to suddenly be by your side every night out.. And has the nerve to get pissed off when you've moved on and rely on another group of friends.. Remember girls, just because you're living happily ever after, it doesn't mean that the rest of your friends are.. Just as they were there for you, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, you'd better make damn sure you're still there for them.. God forbid the relationship isn't all you hoped it would be (Gee, because that never happens, now does it).. Luckily, I am blessed to have some wonderful best girlfriends, C, D, M and AJ have been my lifeline through the last tumultuous year.. All of them are or have been in a serious relationship during this time frame.. However, they are true members of the Sisterhood.. They all make time for celebrating the sacraments of friendship: the long chat sessions on the phone, and the emergency calls to worship at the pub.. In this lifetime, if you want true friends, true lifelong friends, you had better BE a lifelong friend as well.

Amen.

The worst blind date.. Ever..

While I am not officially single yet, the majority of the friends I have hung out with for the last 2 years are not married.. Despite being regaled with their tales of disastrous dates and unfulfilled longings, I'm still willing to jump right into the pool and swim in the deep end.. I just hope to avoid some of the pitfalls that my friends have experienced.. A classic example is The Blind Date from Hell.

My very good friend, let's just call her "M" was fixed up on a blind date by another one of her very good friends.. The date started well enough, he wasn't particularly thrilling to look at, sort of clean cut and cute-ish in an older guy kind of way, but she was keeping an open mind.. All experienced daters of the new millennium know that it's just good sense to stay on your home turf and keep an escape hatch handy when embarking on an evening out with someone new. Per the norm, I was on stand-by playing the role of the escape hatch and after attending a cook-out together, she brought him downtown, to our home turf.. By this time she knew this was no Love Connection, however, she was still proceeding with the date and waiting to see if at least a friendship could be created.. Until he broke just about every rule in dating and common sense.. It still boggles the mind to this day.

As we're standing around chatting, he wanders off to talk to someone he knows.. M and I took one look and realized our boy may not be as clean cut as he might appear.. The gentleman he was conversing with was immediately recognizable as a dealer of powdery substances.. We didn't know him personally (no good can ever come of putting anything other than your finger in your nose and even that has limitations) however, you can *just tell* by appearance in certain circumstances.. As if having her date talking to a dealer wasn't disconcerting enough, the bobo had the utter nerve to come back and ask if he could borrow $20.. M inquired politely as to the purpose.. He said he owed a friend some money.. At this point she called bullshit and he admitted he was going to score some coke.

An immediate staff meeting was convened in the ladies room and as the current Chairman of the Board of Directors for the Dating Community (I help set policy but I don't work for the company directly), I informed her that he had broken all rules of Dating Etiquette.. Not only did he seek to borrow money from her on a first date (tacky in the extreme), he was using it to buy drugs without first determining her position on the matter (flat out unacceptable).. This is grounds for immediate termination. No 2 weeks notice, no severance. We adjourned the meeting at which time she went over and served him with termination notice and we left the bar, with him standing there mutely wondering what he did wrong.

This is not an urban myth.. one of those "it happened to a friend of a friend" things.. I was there as an active participant in the evening and let me tell you boys and girls, it certainly colors a less than rosy picture for those of us that are preparing to enter the dating world again.
More tales of action, drama, suspense, horror and hopefully true love to follow soon..

A little bit about me..

So one of the first things you have to know about me is that I am a very socially active person. I'll go nuts if I don't get out with my friends for a few drinks at least one night during the week and get out for a night of running wild on at least one weekend night.. I have a pack of my closest friends I refer to as The Usual Suspects.. We all hang out in the same places just about every weekend, primarily Irish pubs.. Being currently married, on the verge of a divorce (my second, go figure..) I tend to go run with my friends as a form of escapist behavior.. OK, that and I just love a good night out on the town.

You see, I'm the black sheep of my family.. I'm a devout career girl, making top dollar for my age and experience.. While I have 2 kids, I'm not one of those soccer mom types that lives to arrange play dates.. Make no mistake, I love my boys, and am a very responsible parent but I am a firm believer in needing time away from the family to run free and let loose.. There are tons of other sites out there where mom's can blather on and on about Timmy's first tooth and Caitlin's ballet lessons but my blatherings are more for the modern dysfunctional female.. There are more and more of us, single and divorced women with kids, who embrace a social culture that runs afoul of the norm.. We don't want to join the PTA.. We don't want to be Den Mothers... We love our kids but we just don't find fulfillment in letting our every waking moment revolve around them.. Does that make us bad parents? No.. Does it mean I love my kids any less than the stay at home mom who has no friends outside of her toddler playgroup? Hell no.. We're the women who take Bridget Jones a step further.

With one divorce pending and one under my belt, it probably goes without saying that I suck at marriage.. I'm just not good at the whole relationship thing.. I'm too independent and end up resenting that I have to tell someone where I'm going and get "permission" for things I want to do.. Perhaps that's selfish and immature, but at least I'm mature enough to admit my immaturity.. Most of my friends are single or divorced.. Perhaps I would have fared better in marriage had I befriended a few married couples but frankly they bore the shit out of me.. Almost every married couple I've ever met makes me want to vomit with their "we" mentality.. Siamese twins have more space between them than half the couples I know and tend to be way less freakish, in my opinion.

At the ripe old age of 32 I've realized that I'm never going to live up to my mother's expectations and am just coming to grips with it.. I haven’t told her about the impending divorce yet.. I want us to have a nice Christmas and I know that wouldn't be possible if she knew.. My mom has delusions of a Walton's Family Christmas when we're really more like the Griswalds. All she's ever wanted me to do was get married, have kids, go to church and die.. Hmmm what she got was a daughter with 2 divorces, a kid from each marriage who's flunking Methodist 101 and only makes it to church for Christmas and Easter.. But let's face it, the church prefers it that way. Less of a chance of lightning damage.

That's a little bit about me.. At the urging of my friend AJ, I'm determined to write a bit more regularly about things that interest me: Bad dating experiences my friends have had, societal observations, rambling incoherencies.. Maybe as I express myself more I can exorcise the demons of bitterness and hostility that I've been dealing with.. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be the little Miss Pollyanna Sunshine that my family always wanted me to be.
Maybe, but I don't fucking think so..

Introduction

Above, are some postings I made at another blog location. Unfortunately, that place, while lovely, did not run very well. I couldn't get logged on half the time. So, we'll see if this works any better. The first posting technically was done back in November.

Enjoy..