The 17 Bad Dates Rule.

Cindy Chupack, SatC writer and dating goddess, proposed the theory that after a breakup you have to go on 17 bad dates before you get a good one.. I'm not sure if she was specifically referring to a good date or a good man, but I'm beginning to believe it may apply to both.. To test this theory, for purely scientific purposes, I decided track my own dating progress to see how long it takes me to get to the "good man" part of the equation..

Before I could begin to chronicle my disatrous dating experiences, I had to determine the appropriate starting point.. Do I start after I officially ended things with P or after I was dumped by J? P was an actual relationship while J was only 3 dates.. I think the fact that the first 2 dates with J were fabulous and had all the indications of hitting the "good man" mark, means I probably can't count them so I decided to call it a draw and count the date that J dumped me as Date #1.. It definitely qualified as a bad date..

After my 13th bad date, which was essentially a repeat of Date #1, right down to who it was with, I gave up.. To be honest, keeping track of my bad dates has only served to depress the hell out of me and possibly caused me to reconsider chastity and a life safely locked in a convent.. The fact that I have ceased to chronicle the tradgedy of my dating life certainly doesn't mean I am done having bad dates.. I'm truly not that optimistic..

Here we go..

1. J dumps me. See previous entry for more details.

2. Dinner with T-2 (yep, that one).. Technically it probably doesn't qualify as a date b/c we are just good friends *and* it was more of a hangout thing for his birthday *AND* the evening in question also occurred the day before J dumped me but the fact that he spent the whole night flirting with my roommate while I was making him dinner was annoying enough for me to decide to count it anyways.

3. Went out dancing on Cinqo de Mayo with M, a 22 year old that can do amazing things with his hips.. Let me clarify that comment.. This guy is the best dancer on the East Coast which is saying alot for a straight man. This was probably the only time in my life I woke up sore the day after a date where no sex was involved.. It definitely counts as he paid for the drinks and there was some random smooching on the dancefloor.. The fact that I could have babysat for him while I was still in college virtually eliminates any chance of him being anything other than a hot dance partner and incredible ego boost..

4. Drinks with a T-3 from Yahoo personals. Yes, I know, I know, you think I would have learned my lesson but I'm willing to give it another shot.. The look of panic on men's faces when they hear "2 kids" once again prompted me to be willing to go the online route.. All my baggage is right out there so anyone that has a problem with it won't waste my time. It's the equivalent of wearing a dating biohazard sign. Anyways, nice guy, 2 kids, church goer, lots of promise.. We met for drinks at a local restaurant.. At the risk of losing points, I have to say it wasn't a bad date, I just felt absolutely no sparkage between us.. But he was such a nice guy, I agreed to a future date, just to make sure there's nothing there and to fill up more of my dating slots..

5. Dinner with a huge, drunk, obnoxious, redneck. This was not a date of my choice. I was sucked into flying wingman for D on our girls weekend,while she was spending her previously scheduled wedding day on a date with an official Cute Boy whom she met the night before. This situation was in fact just as twisted as it sounds. The dinner was actually not that bad but after it was over and we headed to a bar, HDOR proceeded to get pretty schockered and chase away every remotely eligible cute guy within a 10 foot radius. I called it a night at 11:00 and went back to the hotel in favor of a book and some soft core porn on the Oxygen channel.

6. Dinner with JC, also of Yahoo personals. This is where we encounter the stock and standard problem with the personals.. After several emails and exchanged pictures, I pushed for a face to face meeting at which point he back peddaled and suggested I would be disappointed in him.. This set the alarm bells to ringin' and the red flags a wavin'.. And with good reason.. When he arrived to pick me up, it became obvious that the pictures were (once again) not very recent.. This was an individual who described himself as athletic and sent pics of himself with what appeared to be a 32' waist.. That was probably about 50 lbs ago.. I am not shallow by any stretch of the imagination but, damn.. That's just false advertising.. I would assume most men would be pissed if I touted myself as a tall, busty blonde who sports C cups and then showed up looking like, well, me.. Not that "me" is bad, but it ain't a tall, busty blonde with C cups.. You might think this was what sank the deal for this guy, but actually, the deal breaker was his admission that he was a Jehovah's Witness.. The words "nail" and "coffin" immediately sprang to mind..

7. Movie at T-2's house. Another "techinically this is probably not a date". No physical contact (just friends, remember) but we did have a beer and watch a movie. I count it because I went over to his place to watch said movie after my disatrous date with JC from Yahoo. I think it counts as there was a drink involved and I double booked for the same night.. Essentially the T-2 hang out rides on the coattails of JC's date. That's a fair play in my rule book.

8. I had a 15 minute smooching session with a friend, HIB, after he gave me a ride home from downtown. This might be gray area in the use of the word "date" b/c he kind of has a girlfriend (that he claims not to like), but he did buy me a drink, we spent about an hour hanging out before we left and there was kissing involved.. I blame the Miller Lite and my enforced celibacy..

9. Second date with T-3 at the local comedy club.. This has to count as a bad date, not because of my companion but the comedian.. I have no race relations issues but the fact is I am a itty bitty white girl.. We went to see a very hard core black comedian.. Bear in mind, I am used to the foul mouths of Irish bartenders and dated a Scotsman with Tourettes so precious little offends or bothers me but even this was a bit much.. His performance was so foul, raunchy, racist and profance that I was actually embarrassed. That's saying something.. I felt bad for T-3 b/c I think he was mortified that the show was beyond comedic or risque.. At one point it was just this guy shouting "N" this and "mother fucker" that .. I couldn't tell where the profanity ended and the jokes began.. I quite literally morphed into my mother for a few minutes: "This is what passes for comedy these days??"

10. The Inevitable Sex with the Ex.. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I ended up giving into my hormones and allowing my libido to take the wheel for a night.. I count it as a date b/c P cleaned up before I came over (at 11:00pm), I had a breath strip before I went in, we talked over beers for 15 minuted before the sex commenced and he kissed me goodbye at the doorway.. Oh come on, there's a reason the phrase "Sex with an Ex" was invented..

11. This has to be the most humiliating bad date ever, at least for me, that did not include getting dumped at Ben and Jerry's. It was a strange enough night already, given that T-2 and I kicked off the evening by having a very long drawn out discussion about whether we could be "FB's" or if our friendship had progressed to the point that intimacy would be a bad idea. I said it had, he disagreed. Imagine that. Anyhow, it was one of those "phermone" nights as my best friend CB calls them.. I give off some bizzare phermone that has every freak within a 10 mile radious lit up like a Christmas tree.. Ended up leaving and going to hang out with M, a "friends only" guy and watching a movie.. Then halfway through the movie I started getting strange vibe that felt like a pass was getting ready to be made so I left before we moved from "friends only" to a new, unknown label.. After I got home, I got a call from a person with whom I can only term our relationship as "complicated".. We've never dated, will never date and generally don't even care too much for each other but we have a strange sort of chemistry between us.. So I get this call where he proceeds to invite me over to watch a movie.. What the heck.. it's only midnight.. I have no intentions of there being any naked time but I am kicking around the thought that this may be yet another indivudal with whom I am on the cusp of finding a new label for. As I have had several drinks, I call a cab to ride over.. Once I get to his neighborhood, I give him a call to remind me where the actual house is.. No answer.. I call again.. No answer.. And again.. No answer.. After about 10 tries I tell the cabbie to head back home.. The next morning I get a text message from him saying he was sorry but he fell asleep.. Priceless.. This, my friends, is the sludge sucking bottom of the dating pool.. When they can't even be bothered to stay awake for the date, you've hit rock bottom.

12. I'm actually counting the last one twice. He fell asleep, people. That's worse than being stood up.. I was stood up by virtue of him being unconsious.. The blow my ego took was harsh enough that counting it only twice is probably a total underestimation. At the very least it evens out all those "pseudo-dates" with T-2.

13. Lunch date with J (I know, I know.. I'm a glutton for punishment). This one started out innocently enough. He emailed me to tell me he liked a band I recommended to a bunch of people. We started flirty bantering back and forth.. Stupid me, I thought that our last conversation where we laid out the ground rules about how as long as he had issues, I wasn't up for the "let's be friend's" thing would have set standards for future contact. Primarily, don't contact me if you still have issues, I am not your therapist. I did lay out the ground rules and assumed all players would be following them appropriately. So, after a week of increasingly playful banter, I agree to a lunch, assuming that he's going to be telling me that he has relinquinshed all mental roadblocks to our blissful union and we can proceed to the "happily ever after" part of life.. OK, I just figured he wanted to get naked again with some expectation of exclusivity.. So after a lovely lunch, I finally hit him with "What gives?".. Whoops.. My bad.. He hasn't resolved his issues yet, he just wanted to see me because I am cool to hang out with.. Translation: He just wants to know he can still have me, which I have just proved by giving a shit.. For the love of God.. I reiterated my position that friends is not an offer on the table and then we called it a day.. Later I ended up emailing him to say I'd reconsidered and friends is fine.. Not being friends was my reaction when I hoped we would end up dating at some point.. I've had the whole head-smack moment where I realize (again) that as the saying goes "There are no points for second place, gentlemen.." and that we can be friends because I am no longer willing to go out with him, even if he does get everything resolved.. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself today..

You believe me, right??