What exactly is the perfect package??

I've given my newly single dating status and other various dating topics alot of thought over the last few days.. After a lovely conversation with my Team Single Co-Captain regarding our various interractions with members of the opposite sex, and how badly we suck at them, I reflected back on my conversation with my father, several late night conversations with my beloved former roommate R (a Man, with a capital M) and my own crash and burn personal dating history, I started to try to define what exactly I am looking for in a man.. What my ideal guy would be like.. Great looks, charming smile, romantic, sensitive? General consensus is that we are all looking for that perfect specimen, that chemically charged combination of looks, brains, awe inspiring genetalia and charisma.. So why is it we just forget all of that and are willing to settle for the men we date???

Cue the theme from Fantasy Island, please..

Looks. Technically, I don't have a "type" and almost never have a very strong physical attractions to someone initially.. The sparks usually devlop after conversation.. A guy that is initially of average physical traits can become incredibly hot if they have a sharp wit, quick comebacks and genuine charm.. Case in point, one of the most beautiful men I know is a 24 year old boy-child, let's call him PBR.. He is quite literally the embodiment of physial male perfection.. Shiny dark hair, great lips, eyes so liquid you want to lick them, abs of titanium, *sigh* and don't get any of the Sisterhood started on his ass.. The words "easy on the eyes" don't begin to cut it.. PBR is completely edible with a spoon.. Finger licking good to the last drop for a purely optical orgasm.. Oh sure, he's also exceedingly sweet and actually alot of fun to grab a beer with but, as far as actual chemical and physical attraction goes, it's non-existant.. After talking to him for 10 minutes it becomes clear that he is a Simple Kind of Man, of the Lynard Skynard variety.. I mean no harm nor disrespect, and God knows, the way he looks, he get's more ass than a toilet seat, so he doesn't exactly need affirmations from me, but he's the physical embodiment of the phrase "looks aren't every thing".. For my money, if I were going to pick a single important physical traits in a man, it would be physical fitness.. If a man cares enough to take care of his own body, he might just be willing to take care of mine.. Oh alright, I'll also confess that I'm a sucker for a great smile and sexy eyes.. Fuck me, I'm shallow, I know..

Personality. The man's gotta have charm and a great personality.. The older I get, the more important this becomes.... The only thing that has ever been an acceptable substitute for charm in a man is a good accent.. Irish, Scottish, British or some other vaguely Euro-trash accent can go miles towards replacing an absent personality.. I once based an entire physical relationship on a really great accent.. He was completely non compus mentis which made it a toss-up.. On one hand, as long as he was speaking, I was mesmerized by the sound of his voice but the more he said, the more I became aware of the glaring stupidity he possessed and mind numbing boredom conversations with him induced. OK, so technically, an accent is only a temporary band-aid for lack of personality.. An accent is the auditory equivalent to beer goggles.. Having spent most of my life surrounded by smart-asses and having been elected their Queen, it's not just personality, but the ability to engage in quick witted conversation, sharp verbal banter and make with the snappy comeback.. Any guy I can verbally shred (in the nicest possible way) with no real defense on his part is soon to be left standing slack jawed and bewildered..

Romance. Why is this a concept so difficult for most men? I've never understood why it is so hard for men to grasp the notion that if you pick up a freakin' Hallmark card, sign your name and grab a $4.99 bunch of mixed flowers from the Harris Teeter floral section and show up on her doorstep any day of the year where gifts are not manditory, you are almost guaranteed non-stop sex that night.. I'd probably chip a tooth trying to gnaw through a boyfriend's zipper if one ever showed up with flowers or a card in hand.. Romance is not expensive.. A bubble bath after a hard day, candles, my favorite take out, watching a chick-flick without making a single derrogatory comment, a back rub, a glass of wine on the deck listening to music, walks at sunset.. Yeah, again, jewelry and the island getaway are grand gestures but most women are so used to not being romanced that we're terribly easy to impress..

Sexuality. In terms of a relationship, sexual compatibility is probably a top priority. You can't be a once a day girl dating a once a week guy... This is just asking for disaster.. Trust me, I speak from experience.. And despite my early flippancy regarding size of the male genitalia, size is a somewhat flexible requirement.. And the more flexible the guy, the less he requires.. As one of the Suspects confessed the worst sex she ever had was with a very hot looking Irish guy with a thick accent and even thicker package.. No style, no technique.. Her theory was he was good looking with an accent and was hung like a horse which meant that he didn't have to work hard to get the girls in bed and once they were there, well, they were there and it wasn't so much his problem anymore.. or interest, as best she could tell.. A man who is willing to push boundaries, be open to fantasy and is generous with the oral sex wins out over size any day..

Money. I could give a damn what a guy makes. And any woman who is interested in your stocks isn't someone you should be putting stock into.. I can take care of myself, my kids and still have enough left over for a pair of BCBG slingbacks. All I really want is a guy with an actual job that pays well enough so he can afford to go out with me on the occaisional weekend.. I gotta confess, the idea of a guy suprising me with thoughtful gifts or wisking me away for a weekend in the islands is not without it's appeal but when you financed your own engagement ring and your wedding band came from a pawn shop, your expectations tend to be a bit low..

So in summary, I'm looking for a physically fit, employed, smart-ass with a voracious sexual appetite, penchant for oral sex, bedroom eyes, stellar oral hygene and enough money to spring for the occaisional pizza and a Hallmark card..

I'm so fucked.

No, really.. I mean it this time...

OK, so I ended up doing the on-again-off-again thing with P for another 5 months.. God's truth is I kind of used him for the last 3-4.. Let's face it, masturbation is just no substitute for the weight of a real body on top of you.. On the plus side, I doubt most men would really care if they were to find out that the last 3-4 months of a relationship they were kept around strictly for sex, even if it was pretty sporadic towards the end... I just didn't have the energy for a break-up.. I got laid off from my job, the house finally sold (after 14 months on the market and $6K in structural repairs), the custody woes are clearly never going to end.. And that was just February and March.. Come on, you can't blame me..

Anyhow, so I finally severed the ties and took my rightful place as co-captain of Team Single. Thankfully D has kept the team in fighting shape and we're all looking towards a kick ass season. So far, things are looking up for all of us.. D has a wonderful recurring semi-monogomous FB relationship with one of our friendly neighborhood bartenders.. This satisfies her personal desire for sex with an accent as well as my desire to continue receiving deep bar tab discounts.. AJ remains firmly entrenched as an alternate/bench warmer.. She can't quite seem to meet the cut for making the team but she always show up for practice.. And then of course there's me..

During the waning weeks of my relationship with P, I started assessing the playing field and contemplating what worthy opponents I might could meet there.. One night I had a wonderful, deep coversation with my beloved Daddy (the only man I can actually identify in any of these articles).. He had an interesting assessment of my dating needs and goals.. He said "You know, J, you really need to date a man..".. I found this interesting because barring a few bullshit smooches with D to get my bar tab reduced, I'm pretty much starting pitcher for the Heterosexual All Stars.. He clarified.. "You need an actual man.. A grown-up.. A guy who has a career, not just a job.. A man you don't have to fix.. A man you can't walk all over.. A man who wants to buy you flowers, clothes or jewelry, not because you would ever ask it of him, but because it will make him proud to provide these things for you..".. Hmmm, clearly Dad has never been a single woman in his 30's.. But it was an interesting thought.. Does such a man exist? Are there men out there who are actually interested in doing nice things for a woman because it shows they can, not because they feel they have to? Men who know the right things to do, the right words to say and yet don't get so gung-ho macho that they make you feel as though they missed the whole point of the feminist movement? And what does he mean by "A man you can't walk all over"??

Anyways, I'm hoping to find the answer to these questions with someone I met recently.. Call me nuts, but I don't want to jinx it by doing my usual verbal dissertation of the gentleman in question at this point.. I will say this; with only 3 dates to go by so far I can reveal he has an actual career, he in no way qualifies as doormat material and he wouldn't let me chip in anything for dinner the other night.. Hmmmm.. Could it be I'm dating that elusive, rare specimen of the male species known as "A Real Man"?? Nahhh, not with my luck.. He's got to be a closet cross-dressing serial killer.. Or at the very least a Republican..