Getting ahead of the learning curve..

So the FNG lasted a grand total of 3 weeks and 3 dates.. Not bad for a first run.. As previously noted, he did pay for dinner, owned furniture and was fun to hang out with.. He also had "unresolved issues" with a former fiancée who lives in Europe.. Actually, his opening line was "I’d like to ruin dessert with a serious conversation.". Fuck me, I just wanted to eat my Ben and Jerry’s and go home for a nap..

I think it's time we implemented some rules around this phrase and "We need to talk".. Everyone knows what those words mean.. I actually considered telling him to just stop, any conversation that begins that way ends with the other person being dumped and to just save us both the mind numbingly uncomfortable conversation that he thinks we need to have.. As a matter of fact, we should all carry a card that says "We need to talk" on it and, at any time in a relationship that you are handed this card, the rule is, no words are spoken, you both just stand up, shake hands and go your separate ways.. But no, we all just sit there and listen to the long winded explanation that includes many assurances of what a wonderful person we are, just not quite wonderful enough..No matter how you slice it, you still end up dumped and that’s 8 shades of “suck”..

The gist of this situation is that it is apparently preferable to spend time resolving issues in a ‘DNR’ relationship with someone that lives on another continent than to date me.. His logic was that she was coming for a visit next month and he wanted to spend time with her to potentially close the book on the relationship.. That they needed to resolve some open issues.. Translation: His ex is coming to town and he might accidentally have sex with her. I speak “guy”, altho, it wasn’t exactly rocket science to figure that one out. By that time she was scheduled to arrive in town, we would have been dating 2.5 months which would definitely put him into monogamy territory.. He has actual morals and principles, and he doesn’t want to “cheat” so he's got to use the get out of jail free card for sex with the ex.

Now this development would have been relatively unremarkable if that was the sum of the conversation, I mean, it was only 3 dates, that’s fair play for ending things due to potential nakedness issues with an ex, however, there was the attempt to leave the door open for future interaction.. After he told me about his "issues" (which sound alot like subscriptions) he asked the classic male question: "Can we still be friends?".. He wanted us to stay in touch, go out and grab beers together and be best buddies.. I think it was a bit of a shock when I said "I'm going to have to go with no, sorry, we can't.." Call me nuts but I have enough male friends in my life and while I'm always open to having more, I tend to set certain boundaries for my male friends.. The minimum being they can't be adorable guys I've slept with that dumped me to work things out with the last Great Love of Their Life.. I tend to marry those guys, come to think of it.. No seriously, this was exactly what happened with the ex-hubby.. It was freaky deja-vu time...

After I finished explaining my unwillingness to repeatedly rub salt into the wound by hanging out together he came out with yet another gem.. "If I get these issues worked out with the ex, could I call you and would you be willing to pick this back up?".. Essentially, he wanted to know if, after spending time (a transparent euphemism for having sex) with his ex for 8-10 days and she went back across an ocean, therefore limiting their relationship's continuation, could he give me a call so we can start dating again?? Oh boy, lucky me.. I get to be the consolation prize in the dating sweepstakes.. Yes, in the Miss Girlfriend Pageant, if the actual selected winner (the ex) is unable to fulfill her duties (because there's this ocean between them) then, being the first runner up, I can wear the crown.. I have no doubt what he was asking was meant as a genuine compliment but second place is second place, no matter how you look at it.. Now, being that as we've covered before, I am a complete fucking idiot where men are concerned, I did not exactly say no, but I did tell him he would have to make major effort and that he would have to convince me he was worth taking a chance on again..

I gotta admit, I really liked him, a first in a long time.. I would get the stomach flip when I saw him and he actually made me a bit tongue tied and self-conscious.. Half the time I blurted out completely random statements that had nothing to do with our current conversation.. Come to think of it he probably dumped me because I acted like Rainman on crack.. He had many traits and characteristics that I could look up to, respect and admire.. That and he had furniture.. I'm telling you, given my last relationship, a man with furniture is hot.. In discussing the remote possibility that he would call to give it another shot, one of my beloved guy friends (you know, the ones I haven't slept with and that haven't dumped me..) pointed out, even if he came back in a month, flowers, sash and tiara in hand begging for me to accept the Miss Girlfriend title and all duties, rights and privileges that accompany it, I was still just the runner up.. Double ouch..

Even after some deep thought and discussion with The Sisterhood, I'm still not quite sure what to make of this guy and this situation.. Mature break-ups/dumpings are a bit out of the scope of our experience. Given the disappointing sum of our collected interactions with the male of the species, we tend to be a bit cynical and harsh in the face of such situations.. And to be honest most of our dumpings/break-ups/emotional implosions have been much more messy, filled with venom and recriminations. As much as being stung by rejection tends to make me bitter and typically pushes me into full character assassination mode, I have to admit, I'm lacking that caustic rage I tend to have right about now.. He handled the whole thing in a calm and mature manner and given that he's not an idiot skirt chasing 25 year old boy but a 38 year old skirt chasing man with many admirable qualities, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on this and am willing to take the whole conversation at face value..

We take a little something away from each dating experience and this was no exception.. I learned that there might actually be a few mature grown-up men out there that aren't pathological fuckwits.. And that I probably should wait longer than a week to sleep with a guy I really like.. And he learned how to text message.. Yeah, I'm still thinking I came out on top in this.. I doubt I'll actually hear from him again as, sadly, my well honed personal cynicism is leaning towards this was a grand calculated move on his part to end things but still look like a good guy (as the saying goes "he's just not that into you") but at least he ended the encounter with dignity and maturity..

Stupid boy.