Waxing Philosophical

Friday night I went on another date.. With yet another man that I will never be involved with in any meaningful way other than friends (T-2).. Here's the question I keep asking myself: Why is it we only want what we can't have? Actually I'm not even sure if that's the right question.. All I know is that the only 2 men I have had any interest in an actual relationship with since my break-up with P are J and T-2.. J, who's unresolved ex issues seem to have solidified into more of a "just not that into you" standpoint and T-2 who has so many neuroses that a functional relationship would just never be possible..

Amazingly, these 2 men are strikingly alike in the characteristics that make them desireable.. The are both independent, strong, accomplished, successful, established, sharp witted, smart, funny and charming.. But when I look at the other gentlemen I am dating (and yes, that's plural.. I'm essentially *this close* to having a male harem.. I actually have double booked twice in the last 2 weeks and once in the coming week.. That's tricky stuff..) there are several others that also bear those same characteristics (maybe not as big of a smartass as J and T-2) but the difference is they aren't utterly emotionally unavailable to me.. Several have made it very clear that they are very into me.. One actually wants to take me out of town to spend time away from the Usual Suspects to get to know me.. Funny thing that.. When T-2 and I first dated last fall, we raced to see who could "end it" first.. Him because I have kids and complications and me because he was insanely neurotic and an athiest.. Now that I know there's no hope in it, I find myself seeing him through rose colored glasses and romanticising him and "what might have been".. Same thing with J, several days before he said we couldn't see each other anymore I was seriously doubting that I wanted to keep dating him.. He wasn't overly attentive, seeing me seemed like an afterthought at times and he was a smartass to the point that it annoyed me.. He was even a smartass during sex, for God's sake.. There has to be some boundaries.. Now that he's unavailable I find myself overlooking the self centeredness and lack of romantic attention.

I actually suspect that if either J or T-2 actually wanted to start dating me seriously, I'd give it a shot and then probably end up dumping them because I was able to have them.. I think that emotionally, I'm still not ready to get involved.. That anyone that smacks of genuine interest and possible real romantic intention for me scares me shitless.. I'm looking for this mythologically perfect relationship and tend to see it's potential in places where I know it will never exist.. So, in the end, maybe it's not them, that they are not the ones that are holding the cards.. That maybe they are not as wonderful and spectacular I would believe, that it is simply because I can't have them that I can fictionalize the potential relationship into something that probably wouldn't happen even if they could resolve issues, get therapy and become fully actualized, functioning, rational men.. If we stop and consider that possibility, what conclusion can I draw, what life's lesson do I take away as I traverse the path of singlehood in search of a companion? That I alone hold the keys to my happiness? That maybe part of settling down is just settling? That there is no one perfect person out there?

Or maybe I'm just fucked in the head..